Shermlock Holnes Almost Solves Another One

I wrote this story in November of 1977, when I was 11 years old, and recently discovered it in my garage. It was for a school assignment, but was never completed. If your 11-year-old finds it funny and wants to complete the job, I’m happy to accept contributions. In the interest of historical accuracy, I’ve preserved the spelling and punctuation mistakes here, though some of them were intentional.

One day when Shermlock Holnes, the famous defective, was walking down the street in the middle of a shootout, a thought struck him, then a bullet did. Luckily it only skinned him so he just had to go to the hospital and have his brains spilled on the floor. But before they could cut his head open he escaped out the back door.

When he got home, Shermlock decided to try to let that thought strike him again. After a few minutes he realized that he hadn’t called his dear friend Prof. Moriarty in a long time. He decided to call him.

“-“H-hel-l-o, this is P-pr-rof-f.-. M-mor-riar-rty.-. I am not in my office now. If you wish to leave a message, you may do so after the beep. If you are Shermlock Holnes please rush over to my house. (Be carefull crossing the street.) Beeeep!”

“I better get Waston for this one,” said Shermlock. “Oh, Waston!” “Yes, Shermlock,” said Waston. “Would you please come with me to Moriarty Manor,” said S.H. “Of course,” Waston said.

While they were driving along the country road, with the smell of horse manure and suberb smog stuck fast to their noses like sap stuck to a tree trunk, they heard a slow pffpiifaakrash boom crackpseeeffmash eeark!! Suddenly they found themselves in a mud puddle on the side of the road with, what looked like, a radiator grill with wheels coming at them. Shermlock jumped to his feet and started singing “Way Down Opon the Swamy River,” reciting “Hamlet,” and clucking like a chicken simultaineously. Just then the car’s windows broke. Then it turned and drove off a cliff, spelling out “to whom it may concern” in the dust.

“How did you make that car turn away?,” asked Waston. “I mearly made it think it was going crazy by putting on that little show,” said Shermlock. “Could’ve fooled me. Where’d you learn that trick?,” asked Waston. “Elementry school my dear Waston, elementry school,” said Holmes traditionally.

Soon they had picked themselves up and were walking down the road at a leasure pace. After walking for a few miles they turned intoa long driveway. When Shermlock Holnes and Doctor Waston reached the end of the driveway, to their amazement, Moriarty Manor had vanished!

They were so frantic to go for a ride around the block they waited two hours for a taxi. Soon Shermlock figured out that taxis don’t run regularly 10 miles out of town. So, like two morons, they walked back to town (Singing “Sweet Adeline” all the way) and got a taxi to bring them back.

While riding in the taxi Shermlock said to himself, “This taxi ride will give Waston and me time to recouperate from that awful happening. Once we get there I want to find out where that house went. I’m going to go to sleep in the back seat, now.”

“Sir, we’re at Moriarty Manor,” yelled the cab driver. Shermlock jumped up, hit his head on the ceiling of the cab, paid the driver, and dragged Waston out the door. When they turned around they were astonished to see a roof through the tops of the trees. Shermlock ran towards the house looking only at the rooftop. Suddenly……..he hit a tree. Waston came running over, picked up Shermlock, dropped him, and fainted.

They were roused from their sleep by the clinking of tea cups against a tray. “Hello, I’m so glad you could drop in,” said Moriarty. “Mr. Soglad-Youcould-Dropin, can you give us directions to Moriarty Manor,” said Holnes. Prof. Moriarty said, “My name is not Soglad-Youcould-Dropin, it’s Prof. Moriarty, and you’re in Moriarty Manor.” “If that’s so I better go to an eye doctor,” said Shermlock, who then told the whole expeariance to Prof. Moriarty.

“By the way,” said Waston, “do you know why I fainted?” “Yes,” said Moriarty, “you stepped on a skunk. The reason why I called you here is because this house is haunted.” Shermlock and Waston were fascinated by Moriarty’s ghost stories (and his chicken soup.)

Since they were going to be alone, and spend the knight at Moriarty Manor, they invited a few friends over for a pot party. (Waston went home and got his teflons.) The 5 people invited were (in alfibetical order): Dee Tective, Mr. E., Magnif Iyinglass (pronounced Īying’-lass), Sol Vitt, and Ms. Terri.

The pot party was fun; Waston traded all of his teflons for a giant coldron. When the party was over the guests went up to their rooms for a good nights sleep, or so they thought. 8 people came to the party (including Moriarty), but only 6 would leave!

Shermlock and Waston’s room (they slept in the same room) was a dark, damp room between two towers. Prof. Moriarty slept in his every-famous costomized coffin. His coffin contained a telephone, a C.B. radio, a T.V., and assortment of H. G. Wells books, and a poster of Farrah Fawcett-Majors when she was 5 years old. All of the other guests slept in plain old rooms with trap doors under the rugs.

Late that night at about 11 o’clock Shermlock woke up to a horrifying sight. There, standing in front of him was the grusome figure of an I.R.S. man! Shermlock woke up to find that it was only a dream. But his awakening was not in vain. From somewhere in the mansion he heard the steady hum of a bologna-sausage-stuffing-machine.

Shermlock ran down to the celler, only to find Mr. E., a former abrasive-wheel-friction-sawing-machine operator. (Who knew nothing about bologna-sausage-stuffing-machine operating.)

Shermlock was then joined by Waston who had been to the storage room where he had found Dee Tective, whose occupation was an apple-slicing-machine operator.

When everybody quieted down (they had been joined by everyone except Magin Iyinglass) the hum of the bologna-sausage-stuffing-machine could not be heard. Someone, or something, had stopped using it.

They gathered in the living room (no one noticed that Magnif was missing) to discuss what has been going on. The first one to speak was Shermlock Holnes. “On my first visit here,” said Shermlock, “there was no here; the mansion had vanished. Can anyone give an explanation for that?” “I’ve got a logical solution,” said Prof. Moriarty. “I think you turned into the wrong road. To prove my theory is correct, when you entered the only other road around you should have seen a sign saying: Leather-stitch-back-machine operator needed.” Waston thought for a while, and then said, “Come to think of it, I did see a sign, but I don’t know what it said.”

Sudenly Ms. Terri stood up and said, in a horrified voice, “My Magif Iyinglass is gone!” (Ms. Terri was married to Magnif, Terri was her maiden name.)

“The blood dripping from the ceiling,” said Shermlock, reaching for a garbage can. “Come on Waston, I think we should investigate this,” said Shermlock, wiping his mouth off.

After filling the garbage cans a few times, Shermlock, Waston, and Mr. E went upstairs to find the corpses. By tapping on the ceiling where the blood was coming from, and listening above, they concluded that the body was in a ten foot think wall.

“I’m way ahead of you,” said Shermlock Holnes, whipping out his magnifying plastic (Glass was expensive in those days.)

Waston, who thought of himself as a jokester, said, “You search high, and I’ll search low, and I’ll be inside there before you.”

After pushing on every single stone on that section of the wall, they all said in unison, “There’s obviously no secret panel hear. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, you owe me a beer!”

Before you could say “silly Sally Samba sat on her silly shoe” five times fast, a silly (sorry) rubber duck came down on a string and said, “Said the magic woid now you win a prize.”

Just then a trap door openned up under Mr. E. and he fell into a room below. “What’s down there?” called Shermlock.

“Well it did you’d win a prize. Is there anything else down there?” said Waston.

“Yes, a spiral staircase leading up to the wall we were looking at.” (There’s a cross-section in two pages.)

Waston then jumped trough the trap door, ran up the staircase, and looked inside the secret room, hoping to see a giant treasure. But when he looked inside the room he screamed, “Yipes!”